From Capable to Coherent - A Psychologist's Journey Back to Joy
I was a psychologist everyone trusted. Capable. Compassionate. Reliable. I held space for trauma, facilitated healing, and offered grounded, professional care. I knew how to show up - for my clients, my colleagues, my community. And I did. Day after day, year after year. On paper, I was thriving. Respected in my field. Seen as strong, wise, dependable. But beneath the surface, I was withering.
What most didn’t see - what I couldn’t even see clearly at the time - was how deeply I was burning out. Not in the dramatic, falling-apart kind of way. Mine was the slow, silent kind. The kind that creeps in behind perfectionism and over-responsibility. That hides behind glowing performance reviews and jam-packed schedules. The kind that makes disconnection feel like the norm.
The Trap of "Having It All Together"
I had always been the person who could hold more. More clients. More complex cases. More responsibility. I prided myself on it. That drive was celebrated and rewarded - by my peers, my profession, and society at large. But underneath it was a constant hum of stress I didn’t even recognise as stress anymore. It had become my baseline, my normal state of being.
Like many high achievers, I had unknowingly equated worth with output. I said yes when I wanted to say no. I went the extra mile, even when my tank was empty. I offered more empathy to others than I did to myself. I believed that to be of service, I had to give everything, often leaving nothing for myself.
The traits I was praised for - over-giving, over-functioning, perfectionism - were quietly wreaking havoc on my nervous system. Years of hypervigilance, people-pleasing, and emotional suppression left me in a near-constant state of low-grade survival. I didn’t feel like I was drowning - but I also wasn’t fully living. I was 'existing'.
The Invisible Toll
Looking back, the signs were there. Fatigue I couldn’t shake. Chronic migraines and gut issues. A nervous system locked in overdrive. I was quick to react, slow to recover. I was present for my clients but not fully present for myself, my children, or my partner. I participated in life, but I wasn’t fully experiencing it.
Don't get me wrong, I still had good moments - holidays, laughs with friends, milestones with my kids - but they were fleeting. I would always return to the same loop: fatigue, guilt, obligation, repeat. And the worst part? I thought this was just how life was. That this was success. That this was as my husband likes to call it - 'adulting'.
I didn’t see it for what it actually was—a dysregulated nervous system stuck in a chronic state of survival. Because when your body has been wired this way for so long, it feels normal. Stress becomes the background hum you simply don't notice. You get used to shallow breaths, a clenched jaw, a racing mind. You normalise the discomfort because the world normalises it. “That’s just life,” we’re told. “Everyone feels this way.” And so, we carry on—unaware that our inner alarm system is never fully shutting off.
The Turning Point: Coherence Over Chaos
As a psychologist, I had all the tools and I prided myself on being someone who embodied what I taught. I practiced mindfulness, CBT, ACT - you name it - and they helped, but only to a point. Because none of it truly touched the root of what was going on in my body. Because no amount of insight or strategy can land when your nervous system is stuck in survival.
It wasn’t until I discovered heart-brain coherence that everything changed.
The science behind it was compelling. I learned that the heart sends more signals to the brain than the brain sends to the heart. That the heart isn’t just an organ that pumps blood but a powerful, intuitive intelligence that influences emotion, cognition, and even our energetic field.
That understanding was an aha moment for me. All my life, I had believed that if I just thought harder, strategised more, controlled my way through - I’d be okay. That I was resilient, capable, and just had to 'do all the things'. But it turns out, it was never about thinking more. It was about feeling differently. It was about aligning my internal state.
Through heart-brain coherence, I finally understood what regulation felt like. I felt my system begin to settle. My breath deepened. My heart rate slowed. The static that had filled my mind and body for years began to fade.
As I practiced coherence daily, something unexpected happened: I began to see clearly. Patterns that had once felt like “just how life is” became visible. I started to question the old stories—the beliefs that told me I had to keep pushing, keep achieving, keep giving.
I stopped needing to fight. I stopped needing to prove. I started to truly feel again - and in the most amazing way.
Reclaiming Joy
As coherence became my new baseline, joy returned. Not all at once, but gradually, kind of like the sun rising after a long night of darkness.
I reconnected with my spark. With my creativity. The flow I had abandoned years ago started to return, first in small ways, and then boldly. I began creating from a place of alignment, not expectation. I no longer needed permission to feel fulfilled. I simply was fulfilled.
I found myself dancing again. Writing. Creating. Building programs that reflected not just what I could do, but what I loved to do. I still “do”—but now I also just be. There’s space for presence. For pleasure. For purpose. For me.
A Message for the Ones Who Hold It All
If you’re reading this and nodding quietly… if you’re the strong one, the capable one, the one who always has it together… I see you.
Maybe you’ve convinced yourself that this is just how life is. That success means stress. That exhaustion is the price of being good at what you do.
But what if it’s not?
What if your nervous system doesn’t have to stay stuck in survival? What if there’s a way to lead, serve, and thrive—from a place of alignment, not depletion?
Heart-brain coherence changed my life. Not overnight. But steadily. Gently. Powerfully. It reconnected me to my body, my truth, and my joy.
You don’t have to abandon your ambition to find peace. You just have to stop abandoning yourself.
So if any part of this speaks to you, know this: you are not alone. And there is another way.
I'd like to share one of the foundational heart-brain coherence practices - the HeartMath® Quick Coherence® technique - as this is a beautiful place to begin.
Focus your attention in the area of your heart. Imagine your breath is flowing in and out of your heart or chest area. Breathing a little slower and deeper than usual. Find an easy rhythm that’s comfortable.
As you continue heart-focused breathing, make a sincere attempt to experience a regenerative feeling such as appreciation or care for someone or something in your life.
That’s it. It’s simple, but powerful. And with consistent practice, it rewires your nervous system to return to safety and coherence more easily and more often.
And if you’d like to explore this practice further or understand how heart-brain coherence can support you to reclaim your joy and purpose and truly live fully again, I invite you to learn more. This might just be the reset your life has been waiting for - it definitely was for me.
With heart,
Alicia
HeartMath is a registered trademark of Quantum Intech, Inc. (dba HeartMath Inc.) For all HeartMath trademarks go towww.heartmath.com/trademarks
